Paper Airplanes

In the past week:

·         I was asked to be the “Madrina” of a soccer tournament in Arenal.  (Madrina = godmother).  When I asked what that meant they all just shrugged their shoulders and said, “I don’t know.”  It didn’t sound too bad so I agreed.  Little did I know that when I arrived at the tournament I would be asked by the mayor to give a welcome speech to everyone present.  I tried to talk my way out of it, but they were insistent.  So as my youthies were laughing at me, I made them help me prepare a speech (guess I got the last laugh).  When the time came I was presented to everyone with the mayor by my side and I shakily spoke into the microphone.  Note to self: Never volunteer to be a madrina again.  Ever.

·         I have been gifted 27 pieces of folded paper with everything from “I love you,” to “I like cats,” to “Never leave,” written on them.  Also included were pictures of various shapes and scenes.  Gotta love first graders.

·         I have collected 9 paper airplanes from the boys in my English classes.

·         I helped the health post give surveys to teenage girls in which I had to ask them about their breasts and menstrual cycles.  I may be 23, but it turns out I’m just as immature as a 14-year-old because I giggled with them every single time.

·         More than 20 children have asked me to give them my hair.  I don’t know how that’s possible, but they still ask.

·         I attended a theater performance in my town by University of Piura students.  I understood the silent acts, but as soon as they started talking I was lost.  Turns out it’s pretty easy to fake understanding as long as you laugh when everyone else does.

·         I caught my 14-year-old niece making out with one of my 16-year-old students in the alley by my house.  Talk about an awkward Monday morning in English class.

·         Work was begun on a window for my room.  Hopefully in a few days I will actually have some air flow in my otherwise brick oven of a room.

·         I started learning a typical Peruvian dance with the local dance group.  They definitely look a lot bigger than the giant gringa flailing her arms around.

·         I was visited by our regional coordinator and volunteer leader.  They helped whip my socios into shape.  I think they’re going to be a lot more helpful in the future than they have been thus far.

·         I found a new cell phone spot in my town.  I no longer have to sit on a cement slab on the side of the road to make and receive calls.

·         In Paita Kyle and I ran into an ex Naval Pilot from the Korean War.  He sat down for lunch with us and told us tons of cool stories.  He was quite an interesting man.  He lives in Paita so I’m sure we’ll see him again sometime.

·         I was asked by a strange man to go on a horseback ride with him through the chacras (crops).  Alone.  I refused as politely as I could.

·         I was offered motorcycle driving lessons.  I had to say no because it’s prohibited by PC (and because I know my mom would freak).  ;)

·         I found my own “private beach” in Arenal.  Ok, so it’s not exactly a beach and it isn’t really private.  Basically it’s a sandy piece of land that’s tucked back in a cove along the river that runs through Arenal.  I have claimed this as my getaway spot when I just need a break.  It’s especially nice after I get done running and want to cool off in the river and lay out for a while.  It’s quickly becoming my sandy sanctuary. 

·         Bucky, Grandpappy, and Earl were reunited for a few short minutes.  What a glorious occasion that was.

·         I found out that my big brother has a new girlfriend J Yay Scott!

·         I walked out of the shower just in time to see my host mom killing a chicken for dinner.  For some reason the chicken just wasn’t as appetizing that night.

·          I have received numerous calls and texts from fellow Volunteers asking me what they should do about fleas.  Turns out that having over 300 flea bites on your body makes you the go-to flea girl.

·         I have been named the new coach for the primaria volleyball team.  Now, I don’t exactly know how to coach volleyball in English, so you can imagine how practices go in Spanish. 

I’ll leave you all with that.  Hope things are going well back home- please keep me updated on your lives!  I love nothing more than hearing about what is happening in your neck of the woods.  Missing you, loving you, thinking about you daily.

“Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.  So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor.  Catch the trade winds.  Explore.  Dream.  Discover.”
                             -- Mark Twain

Longhorns

I was recounting the following story to a fellow Peace Corps Volunteer and she suggested that I give it a blog post all its own.  So, here it goes:

It was a sunny and hot Tuesday evening, and I was in the pueblo of Tamorindo where my good friend and fellow Volunteer Brielle lives.  Tamorindo is located about 20 minutes from my tiny pueblo and on a good day the trip is fairly easy to make.  This, however, turned out to be one of those off days.  First I had to haggle with the moto taxi drivers because they were trying to charge me a ludicrous amount to take me “all the way to Arenal.”  I finally talked one of them down to a price that wasn’t so ridiculous to take me to the moto taxi stop in Amotape, located just across the bridge from Arenal.  So I hopped in and we headed for Amotape.  We arrived at the stop with no problems and they dropped me off.  From here I could either walk 20 minutes to my town or catch another moto.  I was tired so I opted for the moto.  I had to wait a few minutes for the only driver to come running from his house to take me, but no big deal.  He offered a decent price so I jumped in and we were on our way.  I could hardly wait the 5 minutes to get to my house and unwind from an eventful day.  I should have known this trip would take more than 5 minutes when the moto could barely make it up the first hill on the way to Arenal.  I thought maybe I’d been eating too much rice the past few weeks and had put on a couple extra pounds because of the struggle this moto was having.  After the driver revved his little engine a million times we finally made it up the slope.  “Phew.  And we’re off, only 4 more minutes until I can take a shower!” – or so I thought.  About 100 yards later the moto dies.  That’s right, completely dead.  Turns out the driver forgot that he had absolutely no gas- which would explain why we couldn’t make it up the tiny little incline. “Well, at least I haven’t gained any rice weight.”  Since we obviously couldn’t go anywhere the driver called one of his buddies to come pick me up and take me the rest of the way.  After waiting about 3 or 4 minutes the other moto arrives, I switch over to his tricycle, and we’re off.  “Ok, this guy has plenty of gas.  Shower here I come!”  Wrong again.  Although this driver didn’t run out of gas, we did experience a bit of a delay.  Picture this: we’re chuggin’ along, enjoying the view of the little canal to our left.  Ahead of us I see a large herd of cattle.  Like any normal moto driver I figured this guy would slow down and wait for the herd to cross the road and then continue of his merry little way.  Well, I figured wrong.  Not only did he not stop, he decided to rev his engine and go full speed ahead.  Straight into the herd of 20 giant cows.  Most of the poor animals got scared and scattered out of the way, but there was one brave and ticked off longhorn that decided he wasn’t going to take this guy’s crap.  He came running at us and rammed the moto taxi with his head.  One horn was about 3 inches from my leg, and the other horn was up with the driver.  The cow was literally pushing the moto towards the canal, and I was convinced we were going to plummet into the water.  I barely had any time to react so I yelled, in English, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!”  The driver turned around and was obviously confused because his response was, “What?”  Once I realized that I needed to be speaking Spanish I just started yelling and pointing, “Cow! Cow! Cow!”  He laughed, shook his head, and started the engine back up.  We make it out with no injuries and only a little damage to the moto.  At that point I didn’t even know what was going on so I started hysterically laughing.  He heard me, turned around, and started laughing with me.  We shared a good 2 or 3 minutes of belly aching laughter and then we finally made it to the bridge.  “Wow, I can’t believe we were just attacked by a cow.  Now I really can’t wait to be back at my house.  3 minutes!”  Three minutes quickly turned into 10 when this moto also ran out of gas.  We were halfway across the bridge- I could literally see my entire town.  At this point I was fed up with every moto in all of Peru so I told the driver that I would just walk the rest of the way.  He wouldn’t have it and made me wait 10 minutes for another moto to pass.  I switched to the new guy, and again, we were on our way.  Believe it or not, he didn’t run out of gas and we didn’t run into any more cattle.  Thank goodness.  What should have been an easy 5 minute trip turned into a 25 minute ordeal, but at least I made it home safely (sort of).  Moral of the story: when given the option, always walk.  It may take a little bit longer, but you will never run out of gas and can easily avoid giant herds of cattle.

"Hello Miss!"

I’m not sure that I really have that much to update on since my last post.  I’ve been teaching my English classes, and the kids really seem to enjoy them.  I think they like it so much because we play games, sing, and dance, which is a nice change from their regular classes in which they basically just copy verbatim what the teacher writes on the board.  The activities definitely help to stimulate their brains and it helps them retain more information.  I love walking down the street and hearing, “Hello Miss Kelsey!”  I told my students that if they said, “Hola Senorita Kelsey” I wouldn’t respond so that they have to practice their English.  Now I can’t go anywhere without hearing at least 5 youngens screaming English at me.  They also love to run up to me, give me a hug, and start singing the various songs I’ve taught them with English vocab.  It definitely brightens my day every time it happens J

Speaking of English, I finally met the English teacher at the secundaria school.  We met last Monday and things started off a little shakey.  I was under the impression that I would just be there to help her with pronunciation and stuff like that, but she thought I was basically going to be doing her job for her.  She handed me some worksheets and said, “This is what we’re doing in each class- here ya go!”  After I realized that she expected me to do the teaching so she could have a couple free hours I immediately confronted her about it.  We got into a bit of a tiff because she insisted that I teach the classes because I am an “expert” in English.  Well, I might be an expert in English but I’m sure no expert in Spanish, or teaching for that matter.  So after about 10 minutes of disagreement she finally agreed to do the teaching and allow me to help her or the class when necessary.  After that she was great though.  She wanted to hear all about the US and she told me all about her family and we got along quite well.  She lives in a bigger city about an hour away and insisted that the next time I’m there I need to call her so we can have dinner and I can meet her family and see her house and all that jazz.  She ended up being a lot nicer than I was expecting and things turned out well.  I basically just go with her to all her English classes and answer any and all questions the students have.  Sometimes it’s kind of boring, but at least I’m getting my face out there in the school and meeting the students and other teachers.

Since I don’t have a whole lot of exciting stuff to write about I’m just going to throw in a few quotes or anecdotes from the past few weeks:

·         One week I had no running water and I didn’t take a shower from Sunday morning until that weekend when I headed to the capital city for our regional meeting. Gross.

·         The next week our water was back, but this time it had sand in it.  So I could shower, but I left feeling dirtier than I did before.  When I brushed my teeth sand got stuck between them and I had to floss about 5 times a day.  And lastly, I was eating crunchy rice.  I thought it was pepper the first time- boy was I wrong!

·         Peruvians are known for their weird beliefs in terms of health.  For example, my host sister told me I was going to die because I hadn’t eaten all day because of my stomach.  Her exact words were, “Kelsey, you haven’t eaten since lunch yesterday- you could die.  Go to the Health Post.”

·         Another weird health belief-  My host niece and I had this conversation the other day: “Kelsey, you showered right after you got done running.” – Selene
“Yes, I did.  Why?” – Me
“That’s bad.  You’re going to get sick.” – Selene
“Oh really?  How do you figure?” – Me
“It’s bad for you.” – Selene
“And why do you think that?” – Me
“It just is.” – Selene
Needless to say, I didn’t get sick and I still shower immediately after coming home from a run. 

·         Because I have no cell service anywhere I have had to search high and low for a spot with decent coverage, and I’m pretty sure I’ve found my place.  The only bad thing is that random people will walk by and start talking to me while I’m on the phone.  Last week a man talked to me for 5 minutes then proceeded to sit and stare at me for another 30 minutes.  And yesterday a drunk man stumbled up to me and started mumbling words that I couldn’t understand for about 5 minutes.  It sure is annoying to be interrupted, but I guess it just keeps things interesting.

·         Despite my best efforts I am developing a love for Reggueton music.

·         I am breaking down and doing a very un-Peace Corps-like thing: I’m getting an internet USB for my laptop.  I definitely wasn’t expecting to have internet when I signed up for this, but I’ve decided that my mental health depends on it! ;)

·         My host family thinks that Cindy is Keiko Fujimori because she is Asian.  Keiko ran for president of Peru in the most recent election and lost to Ollanta.  I’ve tried to tell my family that I don’t actually know Keiko, but they’re not convinced. 

·         All of my teenage girls are in love with Joel because of the pictures that they’ve seen.  So Joel, if you come visit, be careful.

·         Since I have been in Peru I have played 439 games of Solitaire on my computer.  I’ve only won 55.

·         Last week my host sister asked me to be her daughter’s Godmother.  Selene’s  Quincenera is in March and that’s when it would become official.  She was a little tipsy when she asked me so it’s very likely that she doesn’t remember.  Guess we’ll find out.

·         I don’t have fleas anymore (Thank the Lord), but I do have to combat mosquitoes everywhere I go- including the shower.

Well that seems like enough for now.  Missing each one of you every single day, and thinking about you always.

Mission Accomplished

I can safely say that I have at least temporarily answered the million dollar question.  I have decided to stay.  I realized that I cannot judge a 2 year experience on just 2 weeks.  I knew there were going to be tough times when I applied- it’s what I signed up for.  Life is never going to be 100% happy or awesome, so I don’t know why I thought the Peace Corps should be that way.  Can I absolutely say that I will stay the entire two years? Of course not.  I have no idea what the future holds.  Can I say that for now I’m sticking it out and giving it a shot? Absolutely.  I owe myself and the Peace Corps that much.

Now I didn’t come to this decision on my own.  I had the advice and kinds words from many people that I love, and I can’t tell you how much that means to me.  I am so very lucky to have that kind of support and love.  Thank you.

I’ll give you all a short update of what I’ve been doing the past week or so.  Last Wednesday I decided to do something to get out of my funk, so I headed to the Municipality to talk to my socios.  I told them that I’d like to start doing something, possibly teaching English classes to the students.  I thought it would be difficult to convince them to take me to the schools to talk to the Directors, but no sooner had I asked than they turned around and headed straight to the first school.  The mayor is actually the director of the Primaria School, so she was 100% on board with the idea.  All it took was 3 minutes to ask and they were ready for me to start the next week!  Then we headed to the Secundaria School and got the exact same response.  He handed me their schedule and basically said, “Come whenever you want!”  It was very encouraging to have their support and desire.  This experience helped me realize that all I have to do is ask.

With an uplifted spirit I headed to Piura City that weekend for our first regional meeting with other Volunteers.  I’ll tell you what, it sure is nice to stay in a hostel and take warm (sometimes) showers and not have to combat the mosquitoes.  The weekend helped me feel like a real person again.  It was nice to talk to other Volunteers and share our experiences; funny, sad, uplifting, and even depressing.  Not only do I have my amazing support system at home, but I also have these other Volunteers that I can turn to.  The weekend was filled with running lots of errands, spending tons of time on the internet, and basically just relaxing.  It was a much needed mini-vacation.

Sunday I arrived back at site to realize that I hadn’t prepared anything for my 5 English classes on Monday, so I stayed up relatively late preparing for them, only to wake up the next morning with the stomach ache from hell.  Needless to say I didn’t end up going to the school but instead slept all day.  When my host-sister got back from school she told me to go to the health post because, and I quote, “You haven’t eaten anything since yesterday, you could be dying.”  A slight exaggeration on her part.  But to appease her I headed, begrudgingly, to the health post.  To my surprise and excitement, it was closed.  Thankfully I began feeling better and actually managed to stomach some rice that night.

Tuesday I headed to the town of Paita with another Volunteer, Kyle, to do some bed and dresser shopping.  We had both been sleeping on excuses for mattresses and I badly needed somewhere to put my clothes, so we decided to hit up the market.  Everyone kept telling us to be careful and that it’s very dangerous, but we managed to navigate everything with no problems.  We both bought mattresses and I got a pretty nice dresser and mirror.  It was quite the accomplishment because we both thought we were going to get hosed because we are gringos and both of us had been dreading the outing.  But it just proved to us that we could do it!  Mission accomplished. We were both on a pretty big high when we got back to our respective houses that night!  Speaking of houses, I experienced my first bout of site envy when I went to Kyle’s site.  He has a beautiful two-story house in which the upstairs is basically his own bachelor pad with a kitchen and a beautiful balcony.  Not to mention that his family is super nice and helpful.  It made coming back to my dungeon of a room that much harder.  But instead of being jealous I’m trying to remind myself that I have a roof and 3 ½ walls, running water (some of the time), a toilet, and a family that does care about me.  It may not be the Ritz but it does the job, and it’s definitely not as primitive as other Volunteers in other countries.

Wednesday I gave my first English classes!  I was very nervous because the entire school thought that I was an English professor and was going to be teaching English for the next two years.  I had to explain to them that I am most definitely NOT a teacher and I would probably only be teaching English for the first few months until I can get some other projects going.  Also, my Spanish still isn’t awesome so it’s embarrassing to stand in front of a class of 25 Peruvian youth and try to teach them when I don’t even know their language.  But, the classes were very receptive and patient with me, so it wasn’t too bad.  There are undeniably things that I need to improve on, but all in all they went well.  Then right after classes I headed to Tamorindo, a town about 20 minutes away where another Volunteer lives.  She was heading to Sullana to get herself a dresser with her socios and invited me to go.  Since I already had a dresser I just decided to tag along for the ride.  We spent all afternoon there, had some dinner, and got home pretty late.  It was nice to be able to explore other towns so that I know the different options I have in terms of shopping for certain things.

This morning (Thursday) I was supposed to go to the Primaria School and start teaching English there, but my stomach was bothering me again.  I figured that if I went I’d either vomit on a kid or have to run to the bathroom to avoid pooping my pants, so I didn’t go.  I’m feeling much better now so I’m a little disappointed in myself for not going, but I guess it’s better to avoid the situation than do something incredibly embarrassing on the first day.  I’ll be going to both the primaria and secundaria schools tomorrow to teach a couple classes, so I better not be sick again when I wake up!

I think I’m going to be pretty busy with all of these English classes, so I’ll probably have to cut back on them after a few weeks so I don’t get burnt out.  Also, I still have to do my community diagnostic which is going to be a lot of work, so I need to make sure I have time for that.  For now though, I’m glad that I have something tangible to do!  Meeting with all of the kids has given me some pretty cool ideas for different projects I could do so I’m excited to settle in and get the ball rolling on those! 

I’m definitely not depressed anymore, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss you guys every single day.  Please keep the prayers and warm thoughts coming my way.  Know that I’m doing the same for every one of you and think about you all constantly.  Miss you and love you SO MUCH!

The Million Dollar Question

Phew, been quite a long time.  A lot has happened in the past few weeks.  I went to and returned from site visit, completed my last week of training, swore-in as a real Volunteer, and moved permanently to my new town.  Talk about a whirlwind of emotions.  We’ll start with site visit… what a crazy week!  I arrived in El Arenal with my socios (see dictionary) and was dropped off at my new house.  It’s definitely a little different than my house in Lima, and it couldn’t be more different from my home in the USA.  Let me describe it to you all:  You walk in the front door to a large room that only has a couch, love seat, and chair.  From the living room there are two bedrooms; one belonging to my 68 year-old host parents, and the other is unoccupied except for a few times every couple months when one of their daughters visits from Lima.  Behind the living room is the dining room and kitchen.  Definitely not a four-star kitchen, but it has an oven and refrigerator so it does the trick.  It’s not the cleanest of kitchens, but I think it’s sanitary enough.  Then you exit the kitchen to an outside “patio” of sorts, and I use the term patio loosely.  Here is where I brush my teeth, wash and dry my clothes, and shower.  Yes, the bathroom is outside.  It’s basically in a shed with about a 12 inch opening under the roof.  This means that every time I use the bathroom or shower I have to combat hundreds of mosquitoes, at which I am becoming quite good.  The toilet does not have a flusher so I have to pour buckets of water into it in order to make it flush.  Because of this the bathroom always smells like burning trash and poop combined, so I’ve also become a pro at holding my breath while I’m in there.  The plus side is that it’s so hot here that a cold shower is now something to look forward to instead of dread every day.  Across the “patio” from the bathroom is another makeshift door that leads to my “room.”  You enter the door and step foot in the room that belongs to my 34 year-old sister and her 14 year-old daughter.  Yes, I have to walk through their room to get to mine.  Through the next door is where I lay my head on the most uncomfortable bed in the world.  Every morning I wake up stuck in a giant dip/hole in the middle of my bed.  The walls are made of brick and the floor is cement that is always dusty.  The wall separating my room from the other room doesn’t reach the ceiling, in fact there’s about a three or four foot gap.  Because of this I can hear and see basically everything that goes on in their room and it has forced me to wake up at 6am when they’re getting ready for school.  You can imagine how much I enjoy that…  Anyway, back to site visit.  I arrived in the evening and was told that the next day there would be a large welcoming celebration for me.  As if I wasn’t already nervous, they threw that my way!  And what a ceremony it was!  I walked into the Municipality the next morning to find balloons, ribbons, streamers, and a huge sign that said WELCOME KELSEY (in Spanish, or course).  So I sat at the head table with the mayor herself and everyone else in the room stared back at me.  The mayor gave a speech welcoming me and then I had to say a few words.  Thank goodness I had written something out beforehand just in case.  I was really nervous but the speech went surprisingly well.  Afterwards every representative of every organization introduced themselves to me and was allowed to ask me questions.  This is what had me the most nervous because I didn’t understand everything they were asking me and it was embarrassing because everyone was waiting for my responses.  But it wasn’t so bad, and one of the teachers explained to them that I am still learning Spanish and to take it easy on me.  Afterwards we all ate lunch and then every single person in the room took a picture with me.  I think it’s safe to say that I took over 100 photos there, and they’ll all probably be hung up somewhere at some point in the next 2 years.  Later that day I had another ceremony with even more decorations but less people in an annex of El Arenal.  Basically the entire week was planned around me.  There was a sports tourney in my honor, I was presented to every person within a 10 mile radius, and I was even taken to the beach on my last day.  Overall it was an exhausting yet promising week.  Everyone seemed very eager to work with me and to have me in their community for the next 2 years.  So that sums up site visit.

I returned to Lima for my last week of training, which went by way too quickly.  All I wanted was more time to spend with my new friends and my host family, but it felt like there was no time whatsoever.  That last week was pretty trying because there was so much to get done and so little time to do it.  But I made it through to Friday and our Swearing-In Ceremony.  Our group, Peru 17, is the first group of Trainees in a long time to have 100% of the Trainees swear-in as Volunteers!  That means that every single one of us made it through training without going home, which is a pretty huge accomplishment.  Swearing-in took about 45 minutes in which our Country Director spoke, the Ambassador of the USA gave a speech, two of our Trainees spoke, and a host family representative spoke.  Turns out the host family rep was my host dad!  I guess he wanted to surprise me because I had no idea he was going to give a speech until I saw him chatting it up with the Ambassador.  My first thought was, “Silly Hebert, what is he doing up there with the Ambassador?”  Haha well he was an “honored guest” so he could talk to whomever he wanted to!  After all the speeches all 51 of us took our vow and were officially sworn in as Volunteers of the United States Peace Corps.  It was such a surreal moment because we had all worked so hard to get to that moment, yet none of us really knew what was in store for us.  It was so bittersweet because we all wanted to be Volunteers more than anything, but none of us wanted to leave the comfortable life we had made for ourselves in Santa Eulalia.  For me I think that moment was extra hard because my real family wasn’t there.  This was such a huge moment in my life, and it felt so weird not to have my family right there beside me.  In the last 23 years, my family has not missed one big event in my life.  In that moment I realized how lucky I have been to be able to share all the big things in my life with my entire family, and for that I will be forever grateful.  I remember turning around at one point looking for my mom and dad, but all I saw were Peruvians.  Definitely a weird feeling.  But enough of that... after the ceremony and reception I went home and had one last dinner with my host family and of course went out with all of the other Volunteers to celebrate!

Then Saturday I packed up all of my things and headed to Lima to catch the overnight bus to Piura.  I’ll tell ya, saying goodbye to my host family was a lot harder than I expected it to be.  In the past 10 weeks I had grown to respect and love every member of that family.  If I could have, I would have chosen to stay there and complete my two years of service with them.  It was especially hard to say goodbye to the little ones, and every single one of us was crying.  I think it hit me the hardest when I looked back at my host mom and saw her and Alysa (5) both bawling.  I am going to miss them a lot and will never forget all they did for me in those 10 weeks.

So that brings us to Sunday and our arrival in Piura.  Basically we had the rest of Sunday to rest up and get ourselves ready to head to site on Monday.  Monday afternoon came and our socios arrived to take us away to our respective sites.  I don’t think I’ve ever dreaded and looked forward to a moment as much as I did that one.  I didn’t want to leave my friends and face the unknown of the next 2 years, but I was also so excited to dive in and get started. 

So here I am, one week into my two years of service.  I don’t think I can explain all of the emotions that I’ve experienced in the past seven days.  I’ve had my lowest low, and some pretty high highs.  Some moments I’m so eager to fully learn Spanish and live here, and other moments I’m so lonely and depressed.  Sometimes I feel like I’m definitely going to be able to make a difference here, and other times I question what I’m doing.  I really can’t fully describe how I’m feeling.  I’ve contemplated coming home more than I probably should and can think of a million reasons to leave, but there’s always that little voice telling me I should stay; that I CAN do this.  And I know I can do it, I KNOW I can.  All I need to do is step outside of my comfort zone a little bit and lose my inhibitions.  And while I know that I am capable of doing this, I wonder sometimes if I WANT to do this.  Do I want to live here, in less than desirable conditions, for the next two years?  Do I want to continue to sound like a fool every time I speak Spanish?  Do I want to live in a fishbowl for the next 2 years, under constant scrutiny?  Is the Peace Corps really what I expected it to be?  The only answer I have is I don’t know.  I don’t know what I want.  I know that if I stay I will experience the lowest lows that I will have in my entire life.  But I also know that for every low there will be an even greater high.  I know that if I stick it out I WILL learn this language and I WILL be able to communicate freely.  I will eventually make friends in my town and I will gain their confidence and trust.  This town will start to feel like home.  I know that I will experience things here that I could never even dream of experiencing in the USA.  But I also know that for every new experience I have here, I will be missing out on an experience back home.  Am I prepared to miss all of those big events?  Babies, weddings, anniversaries, birthdays, graduations, engagements, holidays, everything.  And all of the times when nothing is happening; all of the little things.  The conversations about nothing and everything, the random hangout times, road trips, movie nights, nights out, nights when we do absolutely nothing.  I’m going to miss absolutely everything.  I know that I can hear about everything and I definitely appreciate and love all of the updates, but there’s no way to relive and experience everything that I’m missing.  And it’s true that I will be experiencing things that I won’t be able to do justice with words, but I’ll be experiencing these things alone, without all of the people that I love.  I wish I could bring every single one of you over here to do this with me and be with me throughout it all.  The hardest part is being alone over here when all of the people I love are together back in the States.  As selfish as it is, I am so jealous.  I want to be there with all of you guys; I don’t want to be doing this alone. 

So I guess the million dollar question is this; do I stay or do I go?  Time and lots of praying and thinking will lead to the answer.  I could definitely use any advice you have to give me, and I’ll never turn down a prayer or seven!  Missing you always…


PS- I wrote this a few days ago when I was really depressed, but I'm much better now! Don't be too concerned!